There was once a very successful movie called “How to Train Your Dragon.”

It was about a young boy who discovered that dragons weren’t necessarily the terrifying creatures everyone thought they were.

That got me thinking. Why stop with dragons?

Why not “How to Train Your Psychologist”?

After all, psychologists have been training patients for years.

They teach us how to deal with anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, childhood trauma and the fact that we still remember something embarrassing we did in 1973.

I think it’s time for the patient to get even.

Now, before I continue, I want to make something perfectly clear.

I have tremendous respect for psychologists.

They are highly educated professionals who spend years learning about the human mind.

Unfortunately, after about six months of therapy, the patient starts learning about the psychologist.

And that’s when things get interesting.

Lesson One: 

Train Your Psychologist to Listen

The psychologist usually begins with:

“How are you feeling today?”

This is your opportunity.

Don’t answer immediately.

Look out the window.

Take a deep breath.

Maybe sigh.

Then say:

“That’s an interesting question.”

Watch what happens.

The psychologist leans forward.

They pick up their pen.

You’ve got them!

You have trained your psychologist to listen.

Now you are in charge.

Lesson Two: Never Say ‘Fine’

If the psychologist asks:

“How was your week?”

Never say:

“Fine.”

That’s a terrible answer.

“Fine” means the session could end in five minutes.

Instead say:

“Well... it’s complicated.”

The psychologist immediately reaches for the notebook.

You have just bought yourself another 45 minutes.

Now tell a story that starts with something that happened Tuesday morning and somehow ends with your third-grade teacher.

The psychologist will listen carefully.

They may even ask:

“And how did that make you feel?”

You can now answer:

“Pretty much the way I’m feeling right now.”

Congratulations.

You’re becoming a professional.

Lesson Three: Turn the Tables

This is the advanced technique.

After the psychologist has spent 40 minutes asking questions, suddenly look at them and ask:

“How does that make YOU feel?”

Silence.

The psychologist freezes.

You’ve just turned psychotherapy upside down.

They could say:

“We’re here to talk about you.”

That’s when you say:

“I know. But I’m curious.”

You’ve now discovered the psychologist’s greatest fear:

The patient asking questions.

Lesson Four: The Word ‘Interesting’

Psychologists have one of the most useful words in the English language:

“Interesting.”

You can say almost anything.

“I dreamed I was being chased by a giant kosher pickle.”

“Interesting.”

“I’ve decided to move to Alaska.”

“Interesting.”

“I bought seven pairs of mismatched socks.”

“Interesting.”

“I think my dog understands English.”

“Interesting.”

After several sessions, you begin to realize that “interesting” might actually mean:

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m going to keep nodding until you figure it out.”

Lesson Five: 

Beware of the Childhood Question

Sooner or later, the psychologist will ask:

“Do you think this has something to do with your childhood?”

This is a dangerous question.

My answer would be:

“Everything has something to do with my childhood. I was there!”

That usually buys you a few seconds.

But then comes the follow-up:

“Tell me about your parents.”

This is when you turn the tables again.

Ask:

“Did YOU have a good childhood?”

Now watch carefully.

If the psychologist pauses, you’ve hit pay dirt.

Lesson Six: Don’t Accept Homework

Psychologists love giving homework.

They might say:

“Why don’t you write down your feelings this week?”

I have a better idea.

“Why don’t YOU write down my feelings?”

After all, I’m paying you.

The psychologist may smile and say:

“Let’s talk about that next week.”

Excellent.

You’ve just scheduled another appointment.

Lesson Seven: 

Learn the Difference Between ‘Uh-huh’ and ‘Hmm’

Psychologists have a secret language.

There’s:

“Uh-huh.”

“Hmm.”

“Interesting.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

And the most frightening one:

“Tell me more about that.”

When you hear “Tell me more about that,” you’re in trouble.

You may have thought you were making a casual observation.

Now you’re discussing your relationship with your mother.

Lesson Eight:

Never Tell Them Everything

There are certain things a psychologist doesn’t need to know.

For example, if you occasionally talk to yourself, don’t worry about it.

Everybody talks to themselves.

The difference is that I sometimes give myself very good advice.

And occasionally, I don’t take it.

That’s what I call a consultation.

And it’s free.

The Final Lesson

Eventually, after months or years of therapy, something wonderful happens.

You begin to understand yourself.

You learn how to recognize your feelings.

You learn that some things cannot be changed.

You learn that some things can.

And you discover that sometimes the most important thing another person can do is simply listen.

That’s when you realize something else.

Maybe you haven’t really been training your psychologist after all.

Maybe the two of you have been training each other.

And that’s when you walk into the office, sit down and say:

“I think I’ve finally figured myself out.”

The psychologist smiles.

“That’s wonderful. Tell me about it.”

You smile back.

“No.”

They look surprised.

“Why not?”

You stand up.

“Because I’m charging you by the hour now.”

And if the psychologist laughs, you’ve accomplished your mission.

If they don’t laugh...

You may need another appointment.