River Mock - the river distorter

Free to frack, what a relief

By SANDY LOAM
Posted 3/31/21

Rumor has it that fracking can now proceed at full force following the Delaware River Basin Commission’s (DRBC) remarkable reversal of its decision to ban hydraulic fracturing for natural gas …

This item is available in full to subscribers.

Please log in to continue

Log in
River Mock - the river distorter

Free to frack, what a relief

Posted

Rumor has it that fracking can now proceed at full force following the Delaware River Basin Commission’s (DRBC) remarkable reversal of its decision to ban hydraulic fracturing for natural gas in the Delaware River Watershed.

No longer will it be necessary to gnash over the “harms” of a degraded landscape, contaminated air, depleted water and loss of natural sound. No more will we need to spend untold hours of our precious lives fighting to preserve what we cherish here.

Bring on the neurologically stimulating hum of thumper trucks, the chest-pounding drone of majestic drilling rigs, the wondrous whine of compressor stations and the family-friendly parades of fracking vehicles through our communities.

Aren’t we sick of hearing birdsong by now? Wouldn’t you prefer the throaty growl of tractor-trailers lumbering across the local landscapes and the adrenalizing blare of air brakes?

What a relief to have our rivers and streams drawn down with extractions of millions of gallons of pristine life-sustaining H2O to fund the process of producing wastewater when fracking. Let’s admit it: There’s too much water in our rivers anyway! No more worries about protecting the drinking water of those living downstream. New York City can find its own supply of pure water.

Give those river rafters something interesting to look at—rigs and drill pads—rather than black bears and white-tailed deer. Aren’t there too many of those animals anyway? One look along the edges of local roadways should answer that question.

Not to mention, taking down all those trees for fracking infrastructure—like drill pads, compressor stations and pipelines—should free us from the invasion of those pesky “forest bathers” prowling around the woods. What a relief to see that fad fade away before we find ourselves overtaken by trees.

We’ll also gain relief from the endless fervor of those fanatical fracktivists. Don’t they have anything better to do with their time—like baking bread, weeding their gardens or starting up another non-profit to “protect” the environment?

What a relief to leave a legacy of unsustainable economic gain for future generations, instead of high-quality natural resources like fresh air, clean water and scenic forested landscapes.

Thanks to The River Distorter for this opportunity to tell it like it is; we’re finally free to speak truth to the pretense that fracking is seriously flawed. What a relief!

Read more satirical fun in River Reporter’s April Fool’s Day section, The River Distorter. Find it on page 15 of the  E-Edition.

Comments

No comments on this story | Please log in to comment by clicking here