I have more good days than bad now. Depression is an illness. It can be managed, but it is not curable. I have bad days. I have days when I miss doctor’s appointments and run out of my meds and go through withdrawal. I have days where I don’t get out of bed.

I am Christian. I’ve left that out until now because a lot of people do not like Christianity, and I can appreciate that. My family and I are more rebel Christians than anything else. Christ was not some barefoot hippy preaching about peace and flowers. He was an insurgent. He was put to death for political reasons. So I appear very secular. I do not listen to Christian music. I love dressing nicely. I curse on occasion. But I believe that I was meant to write this series. And I have been happy to share my own struggles, knowing how many of you struggle alone, you think.

God is not easy on his children. I needed this experience. I made my own poor choices in free will, and the Lord used this to improve me immensely. I am a far better person for having had to fight my way out of this depression and complete lack of purpose in this life. I slowly plodded along while my husband assured me that something would happen. A door would open somewhere.

But I have learned to be resilient. I had a long history of internalizing any criticism of me as being true. But I have learned that simply because someone is angry at me doesn’t mean they have reason to be. I am under no obligation to accept their anger. I feel as if there is a bubble around me, and I have the power to let these negative feelings of others bounce off of me. I am a work in progress and always will be.

But I am still very much a child at heart. I see magic in the world around me every day—even the bad ones. And I credit my husband, Eric, in allowing me the space to be who I am, and I hope I return that gift to him. He has loved me when I was extremely difficult to love, because his love is unconditional. He saved my life. And we have both grown tremendously in our seven years as man and wife.

I see endless possibilities in my life now. Things I never dreamed of. I look inside myself now and see that I have much to offer to this world as long as I believe I do. I cry as I write this now because life has been so, so hard over the past 15 years, and I have caused so much pain to my family. There is no repaying them, but there are others I can help. And I believe other doors will open for me as long as I stay true to my faith and realize that my Lord has created me with many gifts and talents that still can be used, just not in nursing anymore. And that’s okay.

As I stated earlier, music has been a tremendously healing force for me. Being a writer, I appreciate those artists who clearly have spent time on their lyrics, and spilled their hearts and souls into them. There are many I could cite, but there is one song in particular, by R.E.M., that has touched me a great deal. The title is “I’ve Been High” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEmQlUGQ6io). It’s the last of several phrases I’ve chosen to live by now:

“I close my eyes

So I can see

Make my make believe, believe in me.”

And so I do.

Thank you for the honor of allowing me to share with you, and thank you for the innumerable positive remarks and revelations that you have trusted me with. I am endlessly grateful to you all.