One-stop shopping

I was looking through the news on my computer before calling it an evening when I noticed on msn.com that some of the Wal-Mart stores will be putting in medical clinics.

Boy, it really made me re-think my day. It all began in Wurtsboro, where I had a closing. I had a headache, so I decided to stop at Wal-Mart on my way home to pick up aspirin and some dog food.

It was all a very routine day. But what if it went in a different direction? What if when I got to Wal-Mart it wasn’t a headache at all? What if it was something else?

As I enter aisle two with my basket of dog food and aspirin, I am stopped dead in my tracks. “What is this?” I have a nagging pain in my right side. “Oh my gosh, I think it could be my appendix.”

If so, lucky for me that I am in my local Wal-Mart.

First, I must find a sales associate. Clutching my side, I wander down aisle two.

“Excuse me, miss,” I say shakily. ”Can you direct me to a doctor?”

“Hi, my name is Linda. How may I help you?” I hear in reply.

“I would like you to direct me to your clinic since I think that I might need an appendectomy.”

“I am sorry, ma’am, but you are in the wrong department. This is produce. Doctor Dan is the man you want, and he’s in the white vest with the red cross.”

“Since I am in need of emergency surgery, can you page him, please?”

“Attention, associates: will Doctor Dan please come to the produce department for an emergency appendectomy?” the call goes out.

I thank the sales girl, Linda, and grab some of that fine produce while I am waiting for Doctor Dan.

“Doctor Dan to produce please!” the second page chimes on the PA.

Just then my cell phone rings.

“Mom, where are you? Can you bring home some juice?”

“Okay, honey. I’m just waiting for Doctor Dan to give me emergency surgery, but I have time to throw some juice in the cart.”

A red cross on a white vest approaches as I peruse the celery. “Hi there. Are you the lady looking for the doctor? I am Doctor Dan. How may I help you?”

“Doctor Dan, I have some pain and I think that I may need an emergency appendectomy.”

”We can solve this problem in no time, and we can scan the rest of your purchases through our automated system while we’re at it. Do you have your debit card on you, Ms. Butler?”

I produce my card.

”We have a price rollback this week. Would you like us to implant a micro chip while we are at it?”

“But Doctor, why do I need a micro chip?”

“Well, should you require any further medical services, we can just scan you through our automated system and take the funds directly from your checking account.”

What a convenience!

“Now, Ms. Butler, one more thing: do you have any coupons? Today we are also running a clearance special on emergency appendectomies… and there is a 10 percent discount on any new customer medical procedures with any dogfood purchase.”

Well now, that is a bargain that I can just not pass up.

I check my purse for a coupon for the dogfood purchase and get my emergency surgery and microchip; and I love the 10 percent off my first purchase.

I am so happy that I stopped at my local Wal-Mart. And I’m pleased that I held off on that laser vision correction. It’s “buy one eye, get one free” next week.

I wonder if they’ll have coupons?