Vote for me!

I’m thinking of running for President. I make a pretty good candidate. My name is catchy, with a hint of ethnicity and not too feminine. I’d be competitive with Mike Huckabee, but not so silly-sounding.

Now that my youngest is going off to college I’ll be looking for a change and Washington is warmer than New York in the winter. I hope they put that central A/C in the White House by now. If not, maybe I can persuade This Old House to do something, for a small donation to Medicare. While I’m thinking of it, I could open the whole place to HGTV for renovations and pay down the war debt with royalties. Wouldn’t that beat all? Saving the home of democracy with royalties!

But I digress. Running the free world isn’t all about decorating. I have plans. My platform is this: no war, not ever, anywhere, no exceptions. Behave yourself, everyone. Solve your own problems. If you can’t, ask nicely for help. We’ll help you.

A government-sponsored health insurance plan will be paid for with a percentage of profits from pharmaceutical companies. Everyone will pick their own doctor. All HIV/AIDS patients will have free health care and housing assistance.

When I am President we will put solar panels on the rooftops of most urban buildings so that the natural beauty of our rural landscape will not be marred by any more huge transformers.

The Clean Air Act will be renamed Help Huge Corporations Reap Ungodly Profits, or just, Rape The Earth, and be defeated in the next session of Congress. Al Gore will be Secretary of the Environment.

Bill Clinton will be Secretary of State. I will meet with him privately in the Oval Office every evening, as the sun is setting over the Rose Garden. Oh, those blue eyes. But I digress.

Tom Silva will be my Interior Secretary and the DIY Network will spend the next four years in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast building low- to middle-income green housing. The Army Corps of Engineers will rebuild the levees. They’ll get as much money as they need.

We will rebuild the rail system and move freight into cities by rail. Trucks will only be allowed on city streets from midnight to 6:00 a.m.

Terrorism will be addressed by being fair to people everywhere. The Saudis won’t have a free ride in my administration. Neither will Israel. They will have to get along with their neighbors or I will send them back to kindergarten.

Speaking of education, I will leave that to the educators. They will get it wrong half the time, but what’s new? The only government requirement will be that students know how to read, write and use a calculator by the end of 12th grade. One test for the whole system. That way, teachers can spend time teaching and everyone will be less stressed.

By now, I hope you are clamoring to support my candidacy. In case you need more encouragement, I can assure you I am not too short, nor too tall. I do not look like an alien. My husband is handsome in a rugged way. My children are good-looking and substance-free.

As for me, I have been a model citizen as an adult. My only speeding ticket, while coming home from a Stones concert in Syracuse, was reduced to a non-moving violation and expunged years ago. I was not high at the time and anyway most of the people I did drugs with in the ’60s are dead now, so that won’t come back to haunt me.

During the Bush administration I have been on prescription anti-depressants, but who hasn’t? I’m hoping my new “Happy Lite,” combined with a more humanitarian administration (mine), will suffice in the future.

There you have it, America. Vote for me!