February madness

The good news for February is that, with a very intense work-out strategy and gallons of Slim Fast, I have managed to get rid of the extra holiday cookie puffiness.

Today I am not afraid of my scale, and I have opted to remove the towel that has been covering it and it no longer tells me that I am “over limit.” Today I am going to prepare for my next battle. Looks like Valentine’s Day is closing in fast.

I am not going to be caught off guard this year. I will create an effective battle plan.

Since it’s still early, I think that I will stock up on healthy and nutritional foods like fruit and whole grains before all of that pink satin stuff hits the shelves. Maybe an extra case of Slim Fast with an exotic name like “chocolate mocha delight” will help with that chocolate fix that I will need during a weak moment. It’s a new year and I am brave, wearing running shoes so I can get in and out of that store fast. I have my debit card with the low limit so I won’t overspend.

I am ready, with head up and good posture. I will walk through those electronic doors and head directly to the healthy foods aisle. The pressure is on. Aisle one, that dangerous impulse aisle, looks to me like it was attacked during the night by little candy fairies armed with pink bubble gum ray guns. Coral streamers and fuchsia cotton candy balls are everywhere. Gotta run, not walk past those adorable little motion-sensitive stuffed animals. Oh great, now they’re all singing and everyone knows it was me that set them off.

Aisle two is even more dangerous to my plan. Some of Santa’s elves must have been picking up some extra bonus money by stocking the Valentine’s Day cards right next to Christmas candy clearance.

Oh no, not the candy hearts! Suddenly I am feeling weak in the knees. I admit it! I am flawed! I love those little candy hearts with the sayings on them. They are just in front of me filling up the end caps. Where is that Slim Fast? Where are the apples? Where is the girl with the “Can I help you?” vest?

“I love those little hearts! I love those cutesy sayings! Thank God they only say “be mine” and “love you!” If they ever make them to say things like “skinny girl, or “totally fat-free,” I would probably buy them all! Quick, I must run away. I can see them up ahead, those dreaded heart boxes with the double chockalott truffles in them. Lucky is the woman who gets one from her man, but luckier still is the retailer who catches me on a man-less year.

Too late. The darn basket is filled up with truffles, candy hearts, singing bears and one smoking debit card. Too bad there is no room or money for apples or Slim Fast. My scale is going to be so mad at me again.

- Diane Butler