Didn’t your mother teach you anything?

Eighteen years ago this summer, I was waiting for my first-born to arrive. Now, I am sending him off to college, hoping I have taught him something in the interim.

The summer he was born was a hot one, one of the hottest ever, made hotter still by my maternal hormones. I worked in the city and there was a chapel near my office, on Park Avenue and 61st Street, to which I would retreat occasionally to pray for the well-being of my unborn son. It was cool and quiet inside, a welcome contrast to the steamy hub-bub on the street.

In true New York fashion, a panhandler once interrupted my silent communion with an entreaty for alms. Incensed, I berated his poor manners. “Didn’t your mother teach you anything?” I raged, already thinking like one.

So, just in case my healthy son missed any of my well-planned lessons, I’m sending him off with a rule book for the next phase of his development.

· “Always eat breakfast” doesn’t mean eat breakfast all the time. There are four other food groups besides cereal. Yes, milk is one of them.

· Floss and brush your teeth morning and night; shower every day using soap.

· Perspiration causes body odor – it smells good to female dogs in heat, but not to your roommates. Cologne is not antiperspirant.

· Money does not grow on your father’s dresser.

· Borrowing your mother’s jazz CD’s shows your good taste in music. Downloading your roomie’s i-Tunes library is theft of intellectual property.

· Nobody will like you any better for what you wear, but dressing well may make you feel better about yourself, and that’s okay.

· Take time every day to think about someone you love, and know that, every day, someone you love is thinking about you.

· In plumbing, clockwise means close, counterclockwise means open.

· Never mix bleach with ammonia, i.e. Clorox and Mr. Clean. The fumes will kill you or make you very sick.

· Only buy with credit if you already have the money in the bank. This does not apply to college loans.

· A simple thank-you note for any gift or good deed will endear you to your benefactors. They will always remember you kindly. To that end, keep an address book handy at all times.

· It’s never too late to say thank you.

· Don’t lose your shoes. Trust me on this one.

· Creative work goes on in your mind at all times. Bills only get paid if you pay them.

· Never assume someone is using birth-control. Use your own and ask about hers. When you get that far, it’s silly to be embarrassed.

· A toothache is trying to tell you something.

· A crying child is trying to tell you something.

· Where there is smoke, there may be a blown head gasket.

· Check your oil every time you fill up.

· Root beer tastes better than beer beer.

· Cocaine will kill you.

· Garlic and onions make everything taste better. They will never kill you.

· The “Joy of Cooking” will teach you what I never did.

· Nacho cheese is not real food.

· People are hard to love, poems are hard to read, but both are worth the effort.

· The left lane is the passing lane.

· Tattoos are a fad. Your body is permanent.

· Think before you act. This is part two of the above.

· Never dig in someone else’s garden. This is a metaphor.

· Back up your hard drive. This is not a metaphor.

Finally, my son, in the immortal words of my Lamaze instructor, Elisabeth Bing, “I think you will do fine.”

And, oh yes, never beg in church.