How to budget your summer vacation

1. Give in to the teenagers’ impassioned pleas to “just hang” for the summer. Save $2,000 on camp fees. Pay $4,000 for overdue video fines at the Country Store.

2. Start paying college tuition payments on July 1 even though you haven’t filled out the Federal Financial Aid forms and you don’t have a clue how to pay for all that fine education.

3. Don’t replace the broken dishwasher in the bungalow because you “only use it three months out of the year” and the compact model that fits in your tiny kitchen costs $200 more than the one you use every day at home. Save $600. Buy rubber gloves in quantity at Sam’s Club. Break several favorite dishes. Hope they aren’t the kind you saw on Antiques Roadshow.

4. Abandon your secret desire for a newer, cleaner, quieter minivan and decide to keep your old, hardworking one until the kids get out of college. Save $16,000.

5. Fulfill your secret desire for a newer, cleaner, quieter minivan when your older, dirtier, noisier one blows its head gasket on the 4th of July. Spend $16,000.

6. Get a summer cold. Spend five perfectly good pool days coughing and sweating in the bungalow, doing dishes. Spend $6.50 at Rite-Aid for a stale-dated bottle of Robitussin.

7. When your puppy meets his first porcupine and the vet does not agree with your theory that the sharp protrusions from his nasal cavity will fall out naturally, pay $240 for surgical removal of porcupine quills. Lose your puppy’s unconditional trust when you carry him, yelping, into the operating room.

8. Forget which phone company provides your service in the mountains. Find a favorable location to use your cell phone, while plugged into your car battery, and spend two days trying to re-establish phone service. Spend $45 to boost the Jeep’s battery afterward.

9. Good news! Sublet your spacious city loft for the month of August. Earn enough to pay the state university tuition for a semester.

10. Bad news. Sublet your spacious city loft for the month of August. Spend $700 on air conditioning and clean out 25 years of tchotzkes in three days, using up 90 percent of your annual allotment of emotional and physical energy.

11. Invite your teens’ friends to keep them company for the summer. Pay $20 per minute for assorted soft drinks and “healthy” snacks like salsa and chips. (It’s got vegetables!” they cry.)

12. Lose your paycheck amid the packing and unpacking of city and summer addresses. Deduct $20 from family’s bi-weekly budget.

13. Attempt to pry your son’s cell phone from the space between his palm and his right ear. When you fail, spend a hefty percentage of his college savings paying the overage charges.

14. Keep refrigerated food to a minimum, knowing you will waste half of it as you travel between summer retreats. Spend a small fortune dining at every pizza and hamburger emporium in the tri-state area.

15. Look forward to a long weekend at a relative’s home on Fire Island. Feel your jaw drop as the $50 you offer toward the restaurant bill only covers the tip.

16. ndulge your husband’s fantasy of fixing the porch swing by himself. Spend precious days of porch time while he tries in vain to assemble the tools and lumber to complete the task. Give him a kiss for trying to please you. Sit in the rocking chair instead and savor what is left of your summer.

Happy birthday, Jim, and happy Riverfest, Narrowsburg!