‘Hitch’ is moronic, insultingly formulaic

The message behind “Hitch” is the fact that we can’t really put on a false face when it comes to love, but we have to be real, three-dimensional people. It’s a great message, one that wouldn’t seem so hypocritical and trashy if the movie surrounding it were actually populated by real, three-dimensional characters. Instead we are given bland, formulaic husks who are obligated to say the right things, then say the wrong things, then undergo great personal revelations, then make up in the end and blah blah blah.

Each one of these husks has at least one long monologue that supposedly demonstrates heartfelt feelings (cue the piano on the soundtrack) but really just shows how blisteringly idiotic the whole movie is.

Alex “Hitch” Hitchens (Will Smith) is known around New York City as “The Date Doctor”—an anonymous matchmaking guru who helps hapless guys in love and gives them tips on how to break the ice with the women of their affection. His latest challenge is Albert (Kevin James), a goofy accountant who has a serious thing for one of his clients, mega-celebrity Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta, practically nonexistent). A few problems with this one, though: Allegra is hounded by gossip columnist Sara (Eva Mendes), who, in her escapades to get a good story, accidentally meets Hitch... who immediately falls head over heels for her and finds that his own techniques don’t seem to be working with this new relationship.

Will everyone eventually fall in love, giving the movie an unbelievably happy ending? What do you think?

One of the problems (and there are many) with this scenario is that we aren’t given adequate time to get to know any of the characters. This is especially true for Hitch; at first the film uses the tired convention of first-person narration (quickly and wisely abandoned) but never even attempts to really understand who he is. He’s just the Date Doctor to us, and any exposition is clumsily shoved into dialogue: “I don’t get you, Hitch; you’re a guy who always understands short-term consequences but never looks at the long run!”

The movie hopes that any other character development can be glossed over by the fact that he’s played by Will Smith, who, by the way, is still playing the same wise guy character he’s been playing since “Bad Boys.” Being only one step up from flat words on a page, we couldn’t care less about Hitch or his romantic issues.

This is not to say that Smith is helped out by Eva Mendes at all; she plays Sara in the most generic manner possible, just being there for Hitch to stare at dumbly.

It’s not that we find Hitch and Sara an unbelievable couple; it’s just that they’re so boring that no reasonable person would ever want to spend more than five minutes with either of them, dating tips or not. You’ll be spending a lot of time with them, sadly, as the Albert/Allegra plotline is firmly relegated to the sidelines, throwing away any possibility of potential interest.

Ah, but this is a romantic comedy. So along with the failed romance we are given failed comedy. The jokes are broad and obvious, especially when considering Kevin James, practically wearing a big red target on his chest. For instance, did you know that fat guys are fat? And that they tend to fall down for no apparent reason? And that they can’t dance?

Rounding out these wannabe gutbusters is Will Smith wearing about four pounds of make-up to imitate a seafood allergy, and the bull statue on Wall Street, which has testicles. If you find these concepts hilarious, by all means, go see “Hitch,” or seek counseling for your own sake.

Smith and James are talented guys; they really are, but they made serious errors in judgment by picking up this script. Just as “Hitch” tries to peddle romantic advice to us, so too must the filmgoers give their advice to these actors. Number one: characters have to actually be characters before we can care about them. Number two: you deserve a lot better than this, so please, for your own sakes, go look for something less formulaic, less moronic and less insulting.