Mating for life

A pair of bald eagles spends much of the winter in a tree outside our window on the eddy. They are there every year, sitting side by side, occasionally squawking, always awe-inspiring. Eagles mate for life.

A photographic portrait of these two, by Narrowsburg naturalist John DiGiorgio, graces the wall of our bedroom, symbolizing the compact my husband and I made almost 20 years ago in our marriage.

There’s a value attached to marriage in our society. It is measured in time more than quality. Knowing what I do about its pitfalls, I find it hard to imagine anyone making it to 20 years, yet I feel sure that we will. What would quality be measured by? Passion? Affinity? Equality? Fidelity?

I’ve heard it said that second marriages are the best. I hope I’ll never get to test the theory, but I know it’s true for my husband. This is my first; his second. I’m fond of introducing him as my “first husband.” It keeps ’em guessing.

My mother had three marriages. Only her third was emotionally satisfying. In her 50’s, she was widowed and never remarried. I think she found it as hard to be alone as it was to be married. Relationships are only as sound as the people in them.

It is hard work to mesh two lives into one. I’m amazed when young people attempt it and impressed when they appear to thrive early in matrimony. In my experience, the first 10 years are the hardest, also the most passionate. How’s that for a bargain?

When children grow up in troubled marriages, they are often wary of duplicating their parents’ mistakes. My two “30-something” step-sons have yet to take on the mantle of marriage. One says, of the women he’s dated, “They’re so difficult!” I tell him we’re all difficult, the trick is to find someone who’s worth the trouble.

My brother and I both married for life, despite our childhood experience. His widow—he was only 45 when he died—remains unmarried now, 10 years after his death. Marriage is never a straight road, and someone almost always loses at the end.

A friend and colleague, who was recently widowed after 50 years of marriage, is eager to re-wed. The satisfaction he derived from marriage is clear. Most women I know, who have been married and are now single, prefer being single. Is it that women tend to have deeper emotional connections outside of their marriage than men do? Most of the men I know prefer married life, hard as it is sometimes.

Unmarried men can be great friends, until they find a mate. Then, you are lucky to see them again. That is less true of women, who find the energy to maintain relationships, whether married or not.

I don’t think I would have married without the intention of raising children. But I can’t imagine my life now, as a single woman. My husband is like the center weight on a mobile, for me. I am one of Calder’s colorful discs, twirling in orbit.

Do eagles balance each other this way, I wonder? Do they admire each other’s flight or the other’s elegant wing tips? What do they need from each other, after mating is done? Or does another way of life simply never enter their minds?

There are as many different marriages as there are people. That’s why they are so difficult to mandate, and complicated to legislate. Congress recently found it necessary to enact legislation to “defend” the very institution of marriage. In defending the legislation Representative Sensenbrenner, Jr. (R-WI) said “...marriage is under attack…” referring to a Massachusetts law that sanctions same-sex marriage.

With the percentage of failed marriages approaching 50 per cent in this country, defending marriage would seem better served by enlarging its universe, rather than shrinking it.

A working marriage, however, is not always a good marriage. Some marriages depend on one mate being so submissive to another that the two become indistinguishable from each other. When you find yourself in a fulfilling marriage, you can count yourself lucky, indeed.

Our eagle pair inspire me. I keep their constancy in my heart as I navigate my own marriage. And I search the sky for them when they are gone.