Breaking the cycle of violence

By TOM KANE

LIBERTY, NY — I will call her Linda although that’s not her name.

She’s 39 and a survivor of a battered wife relationship. Actually, she’s better than a survivor. She’s a tower of strength who now works at a program called Safe Passage to save women like herself from abusive relationships.

“I love my job at the agency,” she said. “It’s simply wonderful to think that I can help save battered women who are just like I was.”

Despite her newly found strength, Linda has to be careful not to stir up her former abuser. That’s the reason for the anonymity.

Linda, a battered child with an abusive father, came to Sullivan County 16 years ago to be with the man who would eventually become her abuser.

“I was young, alone, a single mother and I thought he was my knight in shining armor,” she said. “How wrong I was.”

A mother of three, she now has two daughters, 20 and 12, and a son, 14.

She was a battered wife for four years, twelve years ago.

It was more a psychological battering than a physical one, she said.

“It’s such a gradual thing,” she said. “You don’t see it coming. You get sucked into it. You get broken down psychologically.”

She became like a prisoner. Her abuser wouldn’t let her leave the house without him, she said.

There were a lot of threats, some of them with a gun to her head.

What things set him off?

“Things like if dinner wasn’t to his liking, or if we didn’t have money for food or if we ran out of fuel,” she said. “It ended up being my fault.”

The worse physical abuse, when it came, was during her pregnancy. “Again, the pregnancy was my fault,” she said. He would attempt to lock her in her bedroom and if she resisted, he would carry her over his shoulder and force her into the room, screaming.

“It was so bad that I was surprised that I didn’t lose the baby,” she said.

“After a while you lose your self esteem and then you lose your identity—who you are,” she said.

What gave her the strength to free herself?

“It was my children that motivated me more than anything else,” Linda said. “I was watching how it was hurting them. They didn’t ask for it. What kind of a mother was I, letting this happen to them? That made me seek outside help.

“Then Safe Passage saved me,” she said.

While she was babysitting for a friend and her mate was away for the weekend, she contacted Safe Passage, who moved her and her children immediately to a safe house where she stayed for several months.

The agency got her counseling and helped her realize that the abuse wasn’t her fault.

Safe Passage staff helped her contact the county’s Family Services, who helped her get assisted housing.

“I know I would not be where I am now if Safe Passage wasn’t there for me,” she said.

“I feel so strong now because it was a war and I battled on my own,” Linda said. “I feel so proud that my children are doing so well. I’m a lot stronger and a lot smarter. I can see the red flags when someone tries to control me.”

What is Safe Passage?

Safe Passage, which began 25 years ago in Massachusetts, has had a presence in Sullivan County for 12 years. It is housed in the CACHE complex of programs in Liberty and is funded by several state agencies through the county and by donation.

It offers a range of services to battered husbands and wives. These include a 24-hour hotline, a safe house, counseling, court and social service advocacy, a children’s program, community outreach and support groups.

Legal advocates help survivors navigate through the legal system, assist in filing petitions, provide accompaniment and act as liaison between survivors and the courts, attorneys, police and any other service needed in order to help achieve legal goals.

To reach Safe Passage, call 845/292-5825; the hotline number is 845/292-5700.