‘The Matrix’ convoluted

Wow. And I thought “The Matrix Reloaded” was bad.

I have never been so insulted and angered by a big-budget movie like “The Matrix Revolutions”—and I’ve seen “Pearl Harbor.” If there’s one thing I hate most of all, it’s being talked down to by a dumb movie. I received that in spades in “Revolutions,” and the film got what it deserved: complete and utter derision from everyone in the audience, as well as a great number of unintentional laughs.

Why bother describing a plot? It’s all just more claptrap about cause and effect to make way for the action. Neo (Keanu Reeves) is out to destroy Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving), who has grown immensely in power, and the humans have to stop the Machines from destroying the city of Zion. Oh, and there’s a half-baked romance between Neo and Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss). Blah.

In my review of “Reloaded,” I complained of the film’s “self-important dialogue,” but little did I know that “Revolutions” would take the cake when it came to pretentiousness. “It was an honor to work with you,” Neo tells Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne). “The honor was mine,” Morpheus responds in the most ponderous way possible. We keep the camera on him for a few extra seconds so that the gravity of that clichéd sentence can sink in for the audience, as if it had some great philosophical meaning.

Or how about when Neo confronts the new Oracle (Mary Alice, replacing the late Gloria Foster) who tells him, “everything that has a beginning has an end.” Whatever. That has just about the same profundity as a Magic 8-Ball. (In fact, the Oracle practically speaks an equivalent of “answer hazy, ask again later.”)

At this point I only felt apathy for this film, and I could have cared less if the humans won or lost.

There is a certain scene, however, which changed my feelings for the movie from mere indifference to sheer hatred. Remember that guy who was left in a coma alongside Neo at the end of “Reloaded”? Well, the movie practically spells it out for you who this guy really is before he confronts our “hero.” You’ll know who he is, the entire audience will know it, dogs will know it. But when he finally meets up with him, Neo’s first sentence is “Who are you?” Well, thank you so much, Mr. Anderson, for reaffirming my faith in humanity.

And after this little incident my heart was set aflame, and I was hoping that this movie would end in the quickest way possible. But it was not to be; the humans put up an overlong resistance against the robots in machine gun exoskeletons, stolen right out of “RoboCop.” But there are guns in this scene! And they’re shooting the Machines! That’s awesome, right? Wrong. Sure, the CGI graphics are impressive, but how much time do we have to spend watching those machine guns shooting and shooting and shooting? An hour, by my count.

At least the Wachowski Brothers toned down on the kung-fu scenes, which still have all the urgency of dry white toast.

My biggest regret in watching this movie is for Hugo Weaving, whose Agent Smith remains a most diabolical villain, despite the fact that he barely has much to work with in the awful script. Don’t worry, Hugo, you still have “Lord of the Rings.”

Reader, I implore you, do not watch “The Matrix Revolutions.” It’s like a two and a half-hour headache that costs $7.50.

Tell you what: how about you take the blue pill this time, and you’ll wake up from this awful nightmare of “Reloaded” and “Revolutions.” These sequels never happened, Mr. Anderson.