Work your way out
of ‘The Italian Job’

“Remake.”

Perhaps the only word that derives more winces and words of hatred from general moviegoers than “sequel.” I am embarrassed to say that I have not seen Michael Caine’s original “The Italian Job” from 1969, widely considered a film classic. I thought that I could have a more objective stance this way, and view it as a movie in itself. In the end, the 2003 version makes me want to see the original, but only with hopes that it will be infinitely better than the version I had just seen.

John Bridger (Donald Sutherland) is the leader of a group of thieves that has just relieved a rich Venice man of millions of dollars worth of gold bars. Each of the robbers has his own specialty in thievery. Charlie (Mark Wahlberg) is an expert planner, Left-Ear (Mos Def) is an explosives expert who is partially deaf, Lyle (Seth Green) is a computer hacker who claims that Napster was his idea, Handsome Rob (Jason Statham) is a great getaway driver and Steve (Edward Norton)… well, I suppose that his specialty is being a jerk, because he double-crosses the team, steals all the gold for himself, and kills John. A year later, Charlie confronts John’s daughter Stella (Charlize Theron) with an offer—help the group regain their pride by stealing the gold bars back and getting vengeance on Steve.

For the first half hour or so, “The Italian Job” felt like a rip-off of another remake, “Ocean’s Eleven.” I was prepared to oh-so-cleverly title this review “Ocean’s Eleven Minus Five.” Even so, it had its moments, and I often smiled while watching.

But then a curious thing occurred; the movie just stopped caring. It became needlessly talky, it went through the motions of a plot without much thought, and car chases became downright yawners. Rarely have I seen a movie so content with being so lifeless.

Edward Norton publicly announced that he joined the cast only because it was a contractual obligation to Paramount, and he hated working on the film. Norton, as usual, gives a great performance nonetheless. It’s all pretty ironic, considering he was one of the few people in the movie who drew forth any noticeable enthusiasm onscreen. Watching Charlize Theron’s wooden acting is particularly painful.

“The Italian Job” is an easily forgettable experience. Probably the only lasting impression that it can leave is the fact that it plays Pink Floyd’s classic song, “Money,” several times. In fact, I’m just going to forget all about this movie and listen to “Dark Side of the Moon” now. It’s definitely a more constructive way to spend two hours of one’s life.