Mind and body relaxation

Today, I am not going anywhere.

It’s raining and I just got back from my yoga class. The only parts of my body that are still working are my fingers. My plan is to do nothing except sit on my comfortable sofa and click the television remote.

While every muscle in my body has totally seized up, I am remembering high school and that skinny gym teacher chanting, “No pain, no gain.”

I’m in pain today, so I must have gained.

It all started when I saw Madonna on TV. She was rolling around on a beach with a guy and attributing her figure to yoga. I’m sure that’s true but I wonder if it’s got anything to do with that hottie of a trainer. So I got the idea that some relaxation exercises couldn’t hurt. Besides, I would like my migraines to go away.

I planned to attend the first class. It was an evening class, which worried me. After spending the whole day on the phone with my mortgage company, I was afraid of what quiet time would do inside of my head, let alone that past nine o’clock I run the risk of falling asleep.

My other concern is that yoga involves a considerable amount of balance. That was never a problem when I was in school, but my center of gravity has shifted a bit since then. Now my biggest fear is that if I lose my balance, I run the risk of taking out some very relaxed balanced people.

Still, I want to look like Madonna and I want to bend like her trainer.

Upon arriving, the first thing I notice is that all the students had blankets. I am not sure that I should have one since because I have a good shot at falling asleep with my mouth wide open. I’m sure that the sounds of snoring will not be the same as the gentle vibratory word… “Omme.”

Well, too late to turn back.

“Class, just close your eyes,” the instructor says. “You are one with the universe. You are the watcher in your own life. If your mind wanders, you must bring it back to now.”

I settle my body and force my mind to go blank.

This is not an easy task. I lay on a borrowed blanket, close my eyes and begin to empty my mind. I can see the white light of the universe summoning me to become one. I’m the watcher and I can see something with my mind’s eye. Is it some divine message from my maker? I fine tune it, bringing it closer. Closer. It’s … my dining room table. It seems to be filled with something white. Something like, oh wait, I can see it now, papers, tons and tons of fluffy white papers. It looks like bank statements and canceled checks. I see two figures standing next to it. Celestial beings? No, they are my teens and they are holding even more papers. I feel a pen in my hand as I am compelled to sign on that dotted line. One of these papers looks like the deed to my house. ‘No’ says a distant voice.  My children have decided to attend homework hall and need my permission.

I am not so sure.

“Bring yourself back to now if you are drifting” a voice fills my mind.

Yes, I am drifting. I need to get out of this room. I must go back… back… back… further into my week. I hear the gentle voice of my mortgage company’s automatic pay recording. “Press one for English, two for Spanish.”

The voice is telling me that they are sorry for withdrawing that extra two thousand dollars out of my checking account; that it was just a simple case of hitting a four instead of an eight; that I am lucky since it was my money that was sent to some guy in Minnesota. Now that the error has been discovered, he is in default of his mortgage. I only have to deal with a few bounced checks.

They are now promising to pay me back the two thousand dollars plus the five hundred in fines that were charged to my account. They are going to furnish me with a nice letter for my creditors who received all of my pretty, yet very bouncy, checks.

Back to the now…. Back to the now….

I, however, know that I will have to deal with the embarrassment of bouncing checks in a small town, even though it wasn’t my fault.

“Be thankful,” the voice in my head said. “We are picking up the five hundred dollars in fees.”

Yes, I am thankful for not having to sell my kidney to offset that loss. I hope the guy in Minnesota has one to sell.

Back, back, come back to now, feel relaxed.

For more about yoga, read this article.