Doesn’t anybody talk anymore? Not if you try to reach an actual person by phone. The technological age has left a big communications gap, in spite of the ubiquitous cell phones that have become an extended earlobe for most of the population. It used to be that a “live” person would answer the phone at your doctor’s office, dentist’s office, pharmacy, electric company, cable company, plumber, auto mechanic, veterinarian or any other multitude of service providers. If you call and a person answers, hang up. You’ve probably got the wrong number!

My wife asked me to call her doctor to get a prescription renewed. Now, I remember this guy when he got out of medical school 20 years ago. He had a small office with a receptionist and nurse. If you called, a “live” person answered the phone and the odds were better than two to one that he might actually be there during office hours. All that has changed and his practice has gone forth and digitized. A call today is a one-way conversation between myself and a recorded message posing as a “live” person.

Not only is it not a two-way conversation but I’m are required to chose what two-way, non-conversation I wish to have. “If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you need to refill a prescription, press two now”, as I listen to a metallic voice parse through the numbers. Heaven help you if you forget what your choices are for then you must select the number that repeats the menu and start all over again. It wasn’t over yet.

I punched the number to renew a prescription, only to have the same condescending voice tell me, “Listen to the following options. If you know your prescription number, press one.”

Several non-conversational minutes later, somewhat punch drunk and capable of reaching through the line to strangle that supercilious voice, she (why is it always a she, aren’t males capable of leaving voice male?) concludes with a reminder that for a Spanish translation of this message, please press number seven. I’m not trying to put down my Hispanic friends and neighbors but I know several elderly people in the community that are more comfortable with messages in Polish or Italian but they never get a shot at it.

Having accomplished the first phase of my task and feeling a little cocky about my newly acquired voice mail expertise, I later call the pharmacy to find out when I can pick up the prescription. “If you are calling from a touch tone phone, press one now”, the same virtual female voice intones. Like an automaton, I obey and press one only to hear, “If you want the cosmetic department, press one. If you want the photography department press two. If you want the hardware department, press three. If you are calling from a doctor’s office, press four. If you want to refill a prescription, press five,” ad infinitum.

I chose option five and the voice says, “If you know your prescription number, enter it now. If you wish to pick up your prescription tomorrow, press two. If you need it today, press, three.” I finally punch in the exact hour and minute that I intend to arrive at the pharmacy door and, exhausted, sit down to recharge my batteries. Suddenly, the phone rings. I answer.. “Is this John Hooski?” Yes, I reply breathlessly to an assumed “live voice.” “Please press one for an important message from your cable service provider.”