It’s not all woman’s work

By CHRIS CONROY

On the surface, it appears that the road to wedded bliss (or at least to the actual wedding) is built by the bride-to-be. All the guy seems to be responsible for is the initial proposal (including, of course, the perfect engagement ring), showing up at the ceremony on time and saying “I do.”

Being a guy myself, this has always seemed perfectly natural. After all, we as guys have always been told that the wedding is “her” day and who are we to mess with that?

Recently, I’ve begun to be educated in the nuances of wedding planning. Earlier this year, I was asked to be the best man at a friend’s wedding. While I’ve had friends get married before, this is the first time I’m involved in any capacity greater than “guest.”

It is a completely different world than what we’ve always been told.

For the men directly involved in the wedding, I’m learning, there is plenty of work to be done.

The men directly involved

The Groom

Obviously, the man most directly involved in the wedding is the groom. While he’s already taken care of getting things started with that first ring and proposal, his job isn’t even close to over.

The groom is in charge of a number of technical details. It is his job to obtain the marriage license and take care of other matters that make the marriage legal. He’s also in charge of making sure people (especially the wedding party) can get from the wedding to the reception.

In a healthy relationship, the future bride and groom will work together to create a wedding both of them will enjoy. This is not to say that everything will be a team decision (it is, after all, still her day), but there will be times when the man will be asked the ever-dreaded question, “What do you think about this (china pattern, invitation style, flower arrangement, etc.).”

The key to surviving this trial, as is the case in many other relationship log jams, is strategic honesty. By that I mean be honest, but tactful.

Since the bride-to-be is the one who will most likely be making most of the decisions regarding the look, schedule and feel of the wedding, it is important for the future groom to be supportive… even when he disagrees with a decision. This is where the art of compromise comes into play, and compromise always has to be based on honesty if it is going to really work.

The groom also has his own decisions to make. It usually falls to him to pick his best man and groomsmen (you know, those guys who walk with the bridesmaids). Working in conjunction with his fiancé, the groom is also a key player in deciding what the men in the bridal party will be wearing. Honeymoon plans are also often on his plate, mostly because his future wife is focusing on the wedding day and shouldn’t have to worry about what comes after.

The Best Man

Chosen by the groom, the best man is, basically, in charge of making sure the groom and the other men involved take care of everything that they need to.

The most notorious duty of the best man is the bachelor party. This is such a large subject that it will be dealt with in a later article. Suffice to say, this one event is probably the second most important night in the groom’s life (the most important, of course, being his wedding night).

Aside from the bachelor party, the best man needs to make sure all the ushers know how to seat people at the wedding. He is also in charge of making sure the person officiating the ceremony gets paid and that all the transportation for the couple to and from the wedding is in order. He’s also in charge of making sure the groom doesn’t bolt before he says his “I do.”

The best man holds on to the ring that will be placed on the bride’s finger during the ceremony. This duty is even more important than the bachelor party… if the best man doesn’t come through on this (i.e. he looses the ring), the whole day can be ruined. Needless to say, he should be sure his pockets don’t have holes in them.

At the reception, it is often the best man who serves as master of ceremonies. At the absolute least, he offers one of the key toasts of the evening.

After the wedding is over, while the newlyweds are off to their honeymoon, the best man is still on the job. He needs to be sure that all the rented formal wear is returned on time.

The Ring Bearer

Almost always a young male relative or son of the bride or groom, the ring bearer is the counterpart to the flower girl. The kid is basically there to look cute, as kids often do, and bring the rings (or more often fake rings) to the bride and groom during the ceremony.

Because he is usually young, his only real responsibility is to not mess up the suit or rented tuxedo he’s wearing and to bring the rings down the aisle nicely.

The Father of the Bride

This is the Man at the wedding. Chances are he’s footing the bill for most everything going on. If you are anyone other than him, treat the father of the bride with the utmost respect and understanding. Whether he sees it as losing a daughter or gaining a son, his bank account is getting lighter. In fact, one of the only things he doesn’t pay for is the rehearsal dinner. That bill goes to the groom’s family.

As should be the case, the father of the bride has no responsibility other than figuring out how he’s going to pay for the wedding his daughter has planned.

Groomsmen/Ushers

The groomsmen often also serve as the ushers at the ceremony. It is their job to follow the seating plan set up by the bride and managed by the best man. The general rule of thumb is that one groomsman or usher can easily be in charge of seating about 50 people. It is also customary to balance the number of groomsmen and number of bridesmaids.

Other than seating people at the ceremony and giving the bridesmaids someone to dance with, groomsmen don’t have a lot of other responsibility. They’re there to support the best man while he supports the groom.

Just one of the guys

As my friend’s wedding date nears and I dive more fully into the role of best man, I’m watching the evolution of interaction among everyone involved. As with all major events, there’s some confusion, some conflict and some outright comedy involved in it all. Anyone who has ever been one of the guys in a wedding party knows that.

What really makes this an amazing experience is that soon, I’ll have one less friend who’s just one of the guys… and two more friends who I’ve helped transform into a married couple.