Caring for caregivers

By SHARON L HAGEMANN, NMD, DO, CH

REGION — As the life expectancy in our culture pushes into the high 70’s, more and more of us are faced with the daunting task of caring for our elderly relatives. Many others end up, at some point in their lives, taking care of an ailing spouse, sibling or dependent child. This can be a time-consuming—make that a life-consuming— obligation.

You cannot care for another’s needs if you neglect your own physical and emotional health. With this in mind, here are some self-care tips for the caregiver:

• Find at least one thing you enjoy about your current relationship with your loved one. Then, take the time to enjoy that positive aspect-—look at old photos, share a favorite food or listen to music. It may help keep caregiving responsibilities in a balanced perspective.
• Maintain something in your life that you enjoy doing apart from your loved one. This may be difficult at times, but it is a vital part of caregiving. If you are together all of the time, you may well begin to resent the person who needs your care.
• Determine what aspects of your loved one’s behavior cause you the greatest stress. Then, address these problems one at a time. Look at past successes and failures for clues on how to solve present problems, and ask others in similar situations for suggestions.
• Learn to identify your symptoms of stress. Are you sleeping more? Less? Do you drink alcohol or take tranquilizers? Smoke? There are better ways to reduce stress. Learn some relaxation techniques you can use at a moment’s notice.
• Learn everything you can about the physical or emotional “problem” you are dealing with. By accumulating information, you can better interpret and respond to your loved one’s behavior. Knowledge can also give you an opportunity to stand outside of the emotional storm for a while.
• Involve other people. Ask family and or friends for help. Don’t protect others from what is happening. Ask for emotional and/or financial support, if necessary. When someone asks you if they can help, be specific with your suggestion: “I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday at three.” You will soon know who you can really count on to help, and who will not.
• Take care of your own health. If you are physically ill or emotionally “strung out,” you cannot be an effective caregiver. Make an appointment for a health check-up if you haven’t had one in the recent past. And, be realistic about what you can/cannot do. You cannot meet all of your loved one’s needs and still remain physically/mentally intact. Setting limits is the first step to positive caregiving.
• Recognize negative feelings you experience in caring for loved ones. It is perfectly normal to feel anger, disappointment, sadness and fatigue. Talk about these feelings with someone who understands just what you are going through. Talk to a friend who has visited you, and knows just what it is like for you to care for a mentally challenged child or a frail elderly relative. Find out about a local support group, or start a small one of your own.
• Prepare for the future. Make a long-term plan for the care of your loved one, but be willing to make changes, if necessary. Too many people have said the word “never” about making other accommodations for their family members. However, your personal care may not be the best type of care at some point in the future. So, keep an open mind, and never say never! If you find yourself at wit’s end, seek professional help immediately. Don’t let others brush you off by saying, “Well, what did you expect?” This is not help! Help is seeing the problem for what it really is. You can receive assistance in doing this from professionals—psychologists, social workers and gerontologists. They are out there. Call them.