Recently, I drove seven hours to a seminar and had the opportunity to listen to hours of radio programming from various small towns in central Pennsylvania. What I heard was not really so different from what we are subjected to locally. I heard music, news and, yes, I heard commercials.

I will never understand the mind of the advertising professional. I’m sure there are scientific studies that provide data about what people respond to, but you will have to show me the one that says people will buy a pool from someone who is screaming so loud that you can’t even understand what he is saying.

There was one particularly funny commercial that I heard as I passed Williamsport. The voice on the radio asked something like, “Where should you advertise if you want the greatest exposure for your product or service?” I immediately thought this was going to be one of those commercials that pushes radio advertising. Well, I was wrong. They wanted people to advertise in the Pennysaver, which, supposedly, has a huge circulation and absolutely everybody reads it cover to cover absolutely every week.

If I were not hurtling along Route 80 at almost 70 miles per hour, I would have called them to ask why they were wasting their good money on a radio ad. After all, absolutely everybody they need to reach already reads their paper, right? Wrong, I guess.

When I mentioned this story to my friend, Ed Green, he told me about one of his favorite radio commercials. He said, “About a year ago our local radio station, WTSX, was running a spot for a local car dealer. It was supposed to be two people talking to each other about their cars and how one of them needed a new one. So, these two women were conversing, trying to get the dealer’s message across to the listeners. The only problem was that the two voices were exactly the same. They either used sound-alikes or tried to save money by having one person do both voices. I was laughing and trying so hard to figure out who was saying what that I don’t even remember the dealer’s name.

Why would someone spend their advertising dollars on something so silly? Don’t ask me why I think so, but I think that the reason is so that they can spend fewer dollars by doing it this way. The ultimate cost-cutting move is to have the owner read his own commercial on the air. Why is it that only the most dry and boring people find the need to do it this way? It is often quite painful to listen to these.

I have to give credit to one used car dealer in Newton, though. He and his wife made an entertaining TV commercial, which was filmed on their lot. They walked among the cars gesticulating wildly. First he would scream something then she would shout back. They weren’t real attractive and their voices were extremely grating, but they weren’t boring.

Ed Green wants advertisers to know, “When I hear your ad on the radio or watch it on TV, if you do anything like screaming or reading it yourself to distract my attention from the message, I will assume that your product or service is not very good.”

While we’re on the topic of television commercials, have you noticed how little time is left for the show itself because of all of the commercials? This is not necessarily a bad thing because the programming isn’t what it used to be, but I don’t want them to think we don’t see what is happening. I also don’t want them to think that we cannot tell that the commercials are louder than the show. It is obvious why they do it. We have to be able to hear it when we get a snack or go to the bathroom.

There are also some pretty annoying characters on TV commercials. Hopefully they will follow in the footsteps of the obnoxious ones of the past. Ed, for one, was not upset to see Mr. Whipple go to that big bathroom in the sky where he can squeeze whatever he wants. And, that other guy doesn’t have to wake up early to make the donuts anymore. No one is asking where the beef is these days either. One character I will miss, though, is the Taco Bell dog. He was more believable and better looking than the others mentioned here.

Commercials make watching movies on network TV almost impossible. You know that they are cutting the best parts of the movie so that more of these inane ads can be shown. They come one after the other after the other in what seems like a never-ending train. I am under no delusion that this will change any time soon. As long as people tune in, we will be sold to at every opportunity.

No, I haven’t forgotten. Last time, I mentioned some phobias and asked you if you knew what they were. Here are the answers if you need them. Papaphobia is a fear of the Pope; ophthalmophobia: being stared at; ailurophobia: cats; odontophobia: teeth or dental surgery; phagophobia: eating or being eaten; selaphobia: light flashes. Now, I’m afraid that I have to go ‘til next time. Keep reading.