The need to connect

By HUBERT KAUFFMAN, Ph.D.

Arthur’s daughter has not spoken to him since Thanksgiving and he may be in the process of breaking up a five-year relationship with his significant other. He is aware that he must have a role in these failed and failing relationships, but believes that his contributions to these conflicts is minimal compared with those of his daughter and mate.

“I have my quirks and my moments,” he says, “but I wish they could see them in the context of my overall agreeable nature. I’m really a pussycat. A little goodwill on their part would make all the difference.”

Arthur makes some classic relationship mistakes. With perfect inner vision, he sees his own faults as fundamentally benign and a basic part of himself. Because he views the faults as intrinsic to himself, he finds them difficult to change. They are just “not that bad.” Since his behavioral issues are so minor, he is not very motivated to change them. On the other hand, though other people’s faults appear to him to be more disruptive, they also appear to be more extrinsic and therefore easier to change. “A little goodwill…”

Arthur’s daughter sees him as available to her at his convenience and not when she has need of him. She wants a more equal relationship. She has concluded that his behavior is intrinsic to who he is, that his behavior is unlikely to change and therefore she will no longer speak to him. Arthur’s mate sees him as arrogant, needing to have things done on his terms and unable to love her as she would like to be loved.

The daughter, Clara and the mate, Louise make mistakes that are similar to Arthur’s. Clara sees Arthur as the core of the problem. “If only he would be more available when I need him.” Louise’s issues appear to be similar to Clara’s in that Arthur, in her view, is self-preoccupied.

From his vantage point, Arthur believes that Clara has serious emotional problems with him which stem from when he divorced her mother over 40 years ago. He admits to having behaved badly during that period but has tried to be a consistently good father ever since. He has been inattentive only when his own personal problems have challenged his ability to cope.

Arthur feels that Louise is perfectionistic and impatient with his much slower pace in getting things done. He believes that she questions his competence frequently.

What’s the difference?

Louise and Arthur may decide that their differences are too great and that they will be better off splitting up and “getting on with their lives.” They may find other mates. Arthur cannot find another daughter; nor can Clara find another father.

Differences in perception such as these are extraordinarily common in personal relationships. Can anything be done to make these very human interactions better?

Some pairings are so unlikely to be fixed that it is best to accept defeat and move on. Having said that, it is important that we recognize the extent to which the loss of a long-term relationship is a serious loss and will need to be mourned. We are social beings. When we make a deep attachment with another person the connection becomes a part of our selves. Breaking up tears us up. The amount of anger generated by the parties involved is usually a good measure of the pain of separation.

There may be a way for Arthur to resolve his problems with Clara and or Louise and they with him.

When people we love hold and express negative perceptions of us, we experience pain and anger. Disbelief is frequent. The tendency to strike back is often irresistible. Doing so causes war.

To avoid war, do not strike back. Except in the simplest of misunderstandings, there is no defense, no proof, no rationalization that will effectively defuse a negative perception. Might as well tell a paranoid schizophrenic that he has no enemies. Emotionally based beliefs or perceptions have a life of their own. They are fundamentally unanswerable.

Acceptance may help

To seek peace, accept the perception as the other person’s belief. Acceptance here means that you are not angry, hurt or upset. You may have to separate from the other person for a time to achieve that level of acceptance. You have a right to have a view that is different, even radically different, from the one held by the other person. We are talking about beliefs here, not facts. Discussion of facts may be useful in a debate. Debating with your loved one about emotional issues may be fatal. Accept the other’s feeling or belief about you.

If deep acceptance can be achieved, you are more than half way home. Arthur might approach Clara about whether her feeling that he is available at his convenience is true all of the time, some of the time or only occasionally. He might ask her to give specific examples of her perception. Again, he may not argue or defend himself. He may ask her what she would prefer he do in the future. He may be able to promise to do that in the future. He may be sure that he cannot promise to do that. He may ask her for another suggestion, one that he may find more comfortable. In effect, he and she are negotiating whether he can engage in behaviors which will more adequately meet her needs of him. Clara must accept Arthur’s judgment about what he is likely to be able to do. Both people must understand that this may have to be an on-going discussion with failures along the way. For this to work, Clara must accept Arthur’s view of her and negotiate it in the same way.

The great advantage of this approach is that Clara feels that her beliefs are accepted as valid for her and she feels safe in expressing them. Arthur, not responding in a hurt or defensive way, is free to explore how he might be able to meet Clara’s needs.

For many couples like Arthur and Louise, splitting may seem to be the best choice. In some cases it is. They should try to learn to negotiate undefensively first.

The wonderful thing about loving and being loved is the utter safety one feels in the presence of the loved one. Home with family and friends can be a precious haven where it is possible to be yourself.

When a loving relationship begins to feel unsafe, it is urgent that security be restored as soon as possible. The suggestions made here may help.