TRR photo by Tom Kane In Wayne County, Honesdale Mayor Michael O’Day reads a proclamation declaring Sexual Abuse Awareness Month during a Take Back the Night vigil hosted by Victims’ Intervention program on April 25. (Click for larger image)

Breaking the chain of abuse

By KRISTA GROMALSKI

[This is the second in a two-part series.]

MILFORD — “Wake up and smell the coffee, kid, it happens everywhere and anywhere,” said Barbara, 62, a survivor of sexual abuse, who experienced incest and physical violence, from age four to 16, from her biological father.

Another survivor, Audrey, 58, said although ritual sexual and physical abuse was prevalent during most of her childhood among her immediate family, “Nobody ever talked about it… it was all hush hush.”

To raise awareness during Sexual Abuse Awareness Month in Pike, Sullivan and Wayne Counties, both women agreed to discuss their experiences with The River Reporter.

“Sexual abuse, unfortunately, is in epidemic proportions,” said Joan Korycki, head counselor at Survivors’ Resources in Milford. One in four women and one in six boys under the age of 18 are sexually assaulted, she said. “I think that’s an enormous number and we need to recognize that we need to do something about it.”

To begin, if you or someone you know is being abused, the first thing to do is reach out for help. “Call the police, talk to clergy or a close friend or teacher,” Korycki said.

Most importantly, “When anyone tells you that they’re being sexually abused… just believe them… no matter how outrageous the story may be, because most likely it is true.”

Barbara, who sought counseling many years after disclosing her abuse to her mother, agreed that getting her story into the open helped. “It never diminishes what happened,” she said, “But it got easier and easier.”

Barbara said she knew she needed to do something because she continued to have flashbacks of her abuse. “I had those responses because I hadn’t dealt with the issues. The little girl was still there.”

Audrey, who has been in counseling since 1987, said a story “about a woman whose mother had sexually abused her,” read during an overeaters anonymous group, triggered her entrance into counseling. “That was part of my story. And I just went to pieces. I was shaking all over. It was part of my story, and I had never heard my story.”

Korycki likened these experiences to “a rumbling volcano.”

Survivors may have difficulties in interpersonal relationships, she said. “It doesn’t necessarily have to be an intimate partner. It could be with people in their family. They may go into alcohol or drugs, depression, lack of trust… lack of boundaries. Some even take on phobia-type effects such as panic attacks.

“They don’t know what to do with those feelings so they stuff them inside…. until they finally get to a point where they’ve got to seek help.”

At that point in the journey toward healing, “part of what needs to be dealt with is to feel safe,” said Audrey. “You have to talk about it, period. And you have to be safe in talking about it. Anybody who is telling you to live your life and put it away… don’t tell them. Go to people who can listen and get you past that.”

For Audrey, taking that step “has been scary,” but she said, “I tried my whole life to do it alone and I wasn’t getting anywhere.”

Seeking help at age 48, Barbara’s reservations went beyond the issue of safety. Upon first meeting her counselor, she said, “I thought, ‘What’s this young snip going to do for me?’ But she saved my life as far as I’m concerned.”

What allowed her healing to begin, she agreed, was to feel “comfortable and safe” in talking about her experience.

To survivors in need of help, she said, “Run screaming to the nearest person you feel comfortable with. That’s what you need, someone who is going to take whatever you say unconditionally.”

Korycki said the services offered at Survivors’ Resources are free and confidential. “We don’t necessarily have to go into detail about what happened, but we do talk about the effects.”

Discussing sexual abuse with a stranger for the first time is difficult, she said. Survivors need to “have faith in themselves that they’re doing the right thing, that they’re finally coming to terms with it, and that their instinct is telling them that they really want to obtain help.”

“It took a long time to get where I am,” Barbara said. But through counseling, she feels stronger. “That was my choosing.”

One of Audrey’s biggest breakthroughs, she said, was shedding the shame she felt about her abuse. “It wasn’t anything that I did… I thought I was a bad person. I mean, deep inside, I was a bad person… and it’s just nice to know that I’m not, and I feel that.”

Audrey said through counseling she continues to discover her truth. “I feel a lot of relief because there was just so much information inside of me that needed to come out… And [I want to] get that message across to people… that it’ s O.K. to talk about it.”