Don't Ask Me Why

By Elliot Gurian

I can talk to you this week about two possible things. We can discuss movies or we can go over the ifs ands or buts of Ed Green’s upcoming colonoscopy. Perhaps I can write about movies about colonoscopies. That would be a very short column. I will wager, though, that this is the first time in the history of this newspaper that the word colonoscopy had appeared three times in one paragraph. Since I don’t want to be a pain in the butt, let’s press forward... to the movies.

Last week Ed took his wife, Millie, to the movies to see “Miss Congeniality” featuring Sandra Bullock and Michael Caine. (Knowing how cheap Ed is, I suspect that it was Millie who paid their admission.) He insisted on telling me all about the plot, the jokes and about how much he hates going to the movies. “Why should I pay six bucks to have some kid kick the back of my seat for two hours, and have the guy two rows back telling his date, loud enough for us to hear, about everything that was happening because he saw the movie twice before?” he asked.

When I told him that I didn’t share his disdain for the movies, Ed insisted on sharing many of his cinematic experiences with me. No, he has never been in a movie. The fact is that he has only had two experiences as an actor. Once, in day camp, he played a flying monkey in the “Wizard of Oz” and, as a teenager, he messed up his one line—“Ahoy up there on the Nancy B!”—in a production of “Carousel.”

He told me about the first movie he ever saw in a theater. “In 1958, when I was five,” he told me, “my father took me to see “The 7^th Voyage of Sinbad.” I don’t remember much about the movie but I do recall that we saw it at the Allerton Theater in the Bronx. I remember a plush carpet on the floor and the pervasive smell of buttered popcorn.” Such a good memory. It kind of makes you wonder why he couldn’t remember that one line of dialog.

It was a later experience, however, that soured him on going to the movies. When he was about 10 years old, his mother forced his older sister, Rachel, to take him along on a Saturday afternoon. Rachel had wanted to spend the day with her friends and not have to take care of her bratty little brother. Mrs. Green had a different idea, so he had to go with his sister when she took him to see “Around the World in 80 Days,” seating them in the very front row.

If you don’t remember that film, it was an adventure movie with a lot of action. There were Indians riding across the plain trying to board a train and soaring balloon rides. Little Eddie left the theater nauseous, hard of hearing and with a stiff neck. That was the last time Ed ever sat in the front row.

Ed prefers movies that bear no resemblance to real life. He feels that life is for living and movies are for experiencing the “unreal.” That means that horror movies are his favorites. He remarked that “Godzilla,” “Jaws,” “King Kong,” “Night of the Living Dead” and all “Halloweens” are among the list of movies that he has seen numerous times.

He also likes martial arts and other violent movies. Ed is such a gentle, wimpy guy that it seems crazy that he would go for on-screen violence. He has seen every Steven Seagal movie at least two dozen times each and has seen “Passenger 57” at least 57 times. I suppose that Ed refutes the contention that watching violent movies spawns violence. He is 47 years old and he’s never struck another person in anger.

He’ll never turn down a good sports movie either. I’ll tell you his favorites, along with the number of times he has seen each one. “American Flyers,” a cycling movie with Kevin Costner (21), “Rudy” (15), “Rocky” (34), “Rocky II” (19), “Rocky III” (9), “Rocky IV” (IV), “Rocky V” (2), “Necessary Roughness” (11) and “Field of Dreams” (19.) If you show it, he will watch.

A good sports movie will elicit a tear or two from the normally stoic Mr. Green. He will cry when the long-suffering athlete finally, after years of struggle, achieves his dream. There isn’t a dry eye on his face whenever he watches “Rudy” or “Rocky II.” Yo, Adrian, he did it!

So, did Ed take Millie, the future Mrs. Green, to one of these tear jerkers the first time they went out? Or, perhaps a different romantic movie? Don’t ask me why Ed thought that “Death Wish” was an appropriate first date. Hey! Down in front!