Don't Ask Me Why

By Elliot Gurian

The other day, Ed Green suggested that I leave him out of this column for once and write about myself. I believe he is getting a little tired of having me tell you about everything he says and does. I think he really likes the fact that people are learning about him, though. He is what I would call a shy exhibitionist.

So, I thought I’d give him the week off. That leaves me with the prospect of writing about the most boring topic ever... me, Elliot Gurian. (I just noticed that Ed and I have the same initials.) I thought I would tell you about the process of turning out a “professional” column now that I have 16 of these under my belt.

Columns are due at the paper by Monday of the week the paper comes out, but the process actually begins the moment the prior column has been submitted. At that point, a one-week, six-day, 12-hour celebration begins. That is how long it is until I actually write something. I can go to work each day and I perform all of my family duties without the pressure that I am feeling at this moment. Actually, I feel less pressure now that I am writing.

Coming up with the topic is by far the hardest part of the process. I look for something funny, yet interesting. When those two factors conflict, I always go for the humor. For some reason, picturing you smiling or laughing while you read what I wrote gives me a better feeling than envisioning you scratching your head and saying, “He has a good point there.”

The first week goes by with nothing more than fleeting thoughts concerning potential topics. These thoughts amount to brief realizations that I’ll have to be writing something soon. Rarely do I come up with a subject in the first seven days.

The second week is more like, “Uh oh. I need to do a column next week. What can I write about?” By then I start to feel some urgency. I have the responsibility to write something witty every couple of weeks. Forget the fact that I am rarely satisfied that what I have written will be enjoyed by even a few of you.

I am shy by nature, but I am also a “closet” entertainer. As a child I was not the class clown, the one who gets the laughs in full view of everyone. I was more like the guy who made funny sounds under his breath, making sure that nobody saw where the noises were coming from. Now, I can try to entertain a larger audience through a medium that allows me to remain hidden. I even buffer my words as though a “friend” spoke them.

So, where do my topics come from? They can be based on personal experiences, or they can be based on desires or regrets. Mostly they come from events and situations that I find funny. I tend to look at life the way a comedian looking for material does.

In an attempt to shirk my responsibility, I always ask family and friends for suggestions. They always say, “You’re the writer, why are you asking me?” I would like to ask you folks to help me out. Let me know if there are subjects you’d like to see me cover. Tell me about your pet peeves and humorous experiences. While you’re at it, let me know what you think of the column in general. Drop me a line in care of The River Reporter or e-mail elliot@riverreporter.com. I would appreciate any feedback.

So, the column is due Monday, I think of a few possible ideas by Saturday, decide on the winner and start writing on Sunday. Late Sunday. In fact, all of Sunday is characterized by my discovering new and innovative ways of procrastinating. Watching football games, doing crossword puzzles, straightening up my office and playing games are all typical ways that I avoid writing. I can avoid it until well into Sunday evening.

The funny thing is that once I start typing it just flows. I try to write the way I speak. Until I learn to do otherwise, this is how I will communicate on paper. All I want to do is write some words that might make you laugh. It is no more complicated than that.

I am currently taking a writing course. My only other training was high school and college English courses. These were classes, incidentally, that I always found the most boring and useless. Wish I knew then what I know now.

Don’t ask me why I decided to write about myself this time as opposed to my “friend” Ed Green. Am I totally out of ideas? No, I have a couple in mind. (In a couple of weeks you may hear about how Hostess Twinkies and other snack foods are smaller now than they used to be.) I think it was simply a case of wanting to try something different. Thank you for your patience.