Don't ask me why

By Elliot Gurian

What time is it? We have all asked or been asked that question. If you ask Yogi Berra, he might give you his famous answer, "Now?" Since Yogi isn't here, I can tell you: It's Howdy Doody time! It's crying time again. It's time for a change. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. It's the time of the season for loving. The time has come today. One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock...

Time has always interested me. Everyone exists in any given hour, but the same 60 minutes seem longer to some and shorter to others. It depends on what they are doing. And, some people will make good use of the hour while others will squander it. Those of you who are saying "It's all relative, Einstein," please keep it to yourselves.

Speaking of relatives, my friend Ed Green told me a story about his late father's alarm clock. Many of you will see yourselves as I relate it to you. Ed's father used to set the time on his clock ahead 15 minutes. Ed could never understand this. When he was asked for an explanation, Dad said, "If I know I have to leave the house at 8:00, setting my clock ahead automatically gives me some room for error."

Ed never did get this. He thinks that it takes only three days for that buffer to disappear in your mind. He tried it himself, setting his clock ahead 10 minutes. "In a few days I got used to it," he said. "The alarm would go off when the clock read 6:00, but I would tell myself that it was really 10 to the hour. What is the point, anyway?"

I learned long ago not to engage Ed in conversations about time. He gets quite persnickety. As a financial professional, appointments require him to be very time-conscious. That is not to say that he is never late. He may not meet every client at the appointed time, but when he is late it bothers him. And, it drives him crazy when a client doesn't make it on time.

His watch must always be exactly right. He will set it based upon the start of a TV show or the news on the radio. Then, he'll test it hour after hour until he's satisfied that his timepiece is precise. Most watches gain or lose seconds or minutes in the days and weeks after they are set. Ed's is no different. Ed is different. At every opportunity he will seek to confirm the time on his wrist. He has been known to call (and it's not a toll-free call either) for the correct time five or 10 times in a single day. Unlike Yogi, Ed won't answer, "What time is it?" with another question. You are more likely to hear, "It's 4:15 and 10 seconds, 11 seconds, 12 seconds..."

Daylight savings time is another of Mr. Green's pet peeves. This coming weekend we will set our clocks back one hour. (Or, is it ahead?) Whatever you do, do not ask him whether you gain or lose an hour's sleep. And, if you do, don't expect a one-word answer. His reply will invariably be, "It depends." It is Ed's theory that a relatively few people will gain an hour of sleep this Sunday. "The only ones whose sleep could be affected are those who must wake up at a particular time," he has said. He says that if you are used to sleeping seven hours, you will wake up after seven hours sleep no matter what time the clock says. Don't blame me. This is Ed's theory.

Ed has always wondered what happens to people who work an eight-hour shift that includes one or two a.m. If they are salaried employees, will they work an extra hour this Sunday morning? Will they be paid for that hour? The opposite questions are raised in April when an employee only has seven hours during their overnight shift. By the way, don't tell someone to meet you at one a.m. this Sunday without specifying which one you want, because there will be two of them.

Time can be a multi-dimension dimension. How many times have you heard the question, "How far is it to Main Street?" answered with "About 15 minutes?" Would that tell you everything you needed to know? It would if you knew how you were making the trip. Don't assume Ed will know. He will ask you if that time is based on walking, driving or taking a rocket ship.

Ed has fun with time, too. He used to have a domino clock. After each minute, a ball would be released and would raise a domino in the "minutes" row. When that row reached 10, the dominos in that row would fall and one in the next row would be raised. It was a cute clock, albeit a noisy one. In his home, his desk clock counts the seconds as a rocket orbits Earth. And, in his office, he has a backward clock. The mechanism runs counter-clockwise, as do the numbers. Actually, if you look at its reflection in a mirror, it looks normal.

You can see, though, that his clocks are not the only peculiarity when it comes to Ed Green and time. If you need to know how he got like this, you'll need to figure it out yourself. Don't ask me why. I need more time to figure him out.