Don't Ask Me Why

By ELLIOT GURIAN

At restaurants, he has been known to clean the bread basket, his plate and the plates of everyone at his table. Once he even cleaned the plate of a stranger. When Ed was a 19-year-old college student he and his friends were eating cafeteria-style at an amusement park. While conversing with his table mates, another group sat down beside them. The stranger closest to Ed had, among other things, a napoleon on his tray. Ed hadn't ordered a dessert and he was very hungry. His eyes never left the napoleon, noting that it was left completely untouched. The other diners left the room leaving their trays on the table.

So, there was Ed, still hungry and staring at a perfectly good pastry. Did he or didn't he? He did! Ed is quick to point out that he kept close watch on that napoleon before he rescued it from disposal. It wasn't touched, licked or sneezed on.

The quantity of food that Ed used to consume is unbelievable. In his teen years his friends used to push this natural cheapskate's buttons by offering to pay for all of his food if, and only if, he ate a specified quantity. For example, at age 16 the bet was that he couldn't eat 12 McDonald's Big Macs. This was not a spur of the moment event so he had time to plan, meaning he skipped lunch. He had 16 of them. That's 32 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions on some sesame seed buns.

The bets involving pizza ended early on. Back then, Ed could down a full 8-slice cheese pizza in under 10 minutes. Being older but apparently not much the wiser, he now asks them to cut it into six slices because he can't eat as much, and he'll take 15 minutes to consume it.

All-you-can-eat restaurants earn profits because most people don't eat as much food as they pay for. My friend Ed is one of very few who always gets his money's worth. One strategy employed by some of these places is to bring a reasonably sized initial portion but then to minimize the refill orders. I believe that they count on people getting tired of sending the waitress back for two shrimp and three french fries. Ed, however, can wear down the best of them. Many years ago, he sent the waitress back 13 times! It would have been more had she not decided to make the last refill four times as large as the initial one.

If there is a "Most Feared" list for all-you-can-eats, I know that Ed is on it. The Oriental Buffet in Port Jervis employs a full-time person to watch out for him. When they see him approach, it is this employee's responsibility to immediately hang the "closed" sign.

So, why doesn't he weigh 1,000 pounds? And, how was he able to lose over 100 pounds in the last year and a half? He credits Dr. Atkins and his restricted carbohydrate diet, believing that carbohydrates are the real villains. But, have you seen all of the diets out there? You can choose from Dr. Atkins Diet Revolution or New Diet Revolution, the Protein Power Plan, The Zone or the Caveman Diet.

Perhaps you are interested in geography. Why not try the New Beverly Hills Diet, the Scarsdale Diet, the Hawaiian Diet, the Cambridge Diet or the Bahamian Diet. The Bahamian one seems interesting, being the closest to a true seafood diet. This is not to be confused with the old See Food Diet (Whenever I see food, I eat it.)

Then there are the diets that emphasize particular foods. There are cabbage soup, popcorn, pineapple and grapefruit diets. I came across a "Beer and Ice Cream Diet" on the Internet. The theory is that, since a calorie is a unit of heat, eating something very cold will use up many more calories than are present in the food itself. A complex calculation showed that eating six ounces of ice cream will use up 5,000 calories. Supposedly, ice-cold beer would do the same.

There was a warning about pizza. According to the report, "Unfortunately for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces the opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream."

Ed Green has gotten his weight under control and is still losing. I asked him if he is worried that he could relapse. He says he is not, that he will never be heavy again. I believe him, but don't ask me why.