Don't Ask Me Why

By ELLIOT GURIAN

It's that time again for the Greens, a time for fear, frustration and exasperation. Is there a family crisis? A major problem? You could say that. Ed and Millie are teaching their 16-year-old daughter, Dana, to drive.

Dana is following in her brother Steve's footsteps. Not too closely, I hope. He was Green-taught a few years ago. Judging by Steve's driving record, Dana might be well advised to seek professional assistance.

Actually, that might be a little unfair to say. Ed and Millie are good drivers. But Steve was a little too aggressive behind the wheel. I say "was" because he has since reformed his ways. It's amazing what a few accidents, tickets and the loss of your license will do to curb overconfidence.

Ed is a good driver, although he has received a few tickets over his 30-year driving career. These days, he usually observes the speed limit, sometimes driving a bit above and sometimes a bit below. Millie is another story. There is a standing family joke among the Greens. You have to deduct 10 percent from the driving time when Millie drives.

While Ed learned to drive from a professional driving school, Millie was taught by her father who was also a driving pro. He was a New York City cab driver. Speed and daring are either hereditary or can be taught. I was once in a car she was driving. She executed the famous left-turn-from-the-right-lane maneuver flawlessly.

Things have changed from the time Ed learned to drive. Today, parents have to certify that their trainees have spent 50 hours behind the wheel and that they have completed certain specific lessons. This is a beneficial development. Of course, we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that, if the parents are lousy drivers, the child has just had 50 hours of lousy instruction.

It's puzzling that they omitted one lesson from the required curriculum. You will not find "Excuses for the State Trooper" in the manual. Maybe they feel that this information is best passed orally from generation to generation. Ed will teach Dana the old standbys like "Officer, the gas pedal stuck to the floor," "I needed to get to a restroom" and "There was a bee in my car and my foot got a little heavy."

When the Greens got their licenses, the minimum age for driving in New York was 18, or 17 if a driver's education course was taken. Some farming states have had even lower age requirements. Frankly, 18 is still too young for most kids. How many of them actually realize the importance of the privilege they have been granted? And, how many are mature enough to handle the responsibility?

With Dana eligible to receive her license in about six months, the question is, what car will she be driving? Will it be Mom's Jeep or Dad's Jeep? She insists that she will be able to buy her own car by the summer. Ed believes that he knows what kind of car she would choose for herself. In fact, he said it's an easy call. Dana's car must have only one specific feature. It must have a radio that plays her favorite station. A CD player would also be a plus.

Ed was telling me about his first car. It was a hand-me-down from his parents. At the age of 18, Ed was the proud driver of a light blue 1962 Plymouth Valiant. It had a push button transmission, four doors and a huge hole in the floor where the driver's feet rest. He covered it with a piece of plywood, but it served him well as a trap door for the disposal of stale french fries and flat sodas.

Ed has been telling his daughter to be aware of and alert for the idiosyncrasies of other drivers. He told her about the drivers who will cut her off and then speed away. He told her about the drivers who will cut her off and then drive 30 miles per hour under the speed limit.

And he told her to steer clear of the "Smurfs." You've seen them. They are the blue/purple-haired ladies who are only tall enough to show their hair over the dashboard. You can identify them easily by the "I Like Ike" bumper stickers on their tanks... I mean cars.

We all have to be extra vigilant these days. Have you seen what people do in their cars these days? Do these people have the misconception that they are invisible? You have the cell phones and the blasting music. You have the ear, nose and tooth pickers. You have parents disciplining their unruly children in the back seat.

Basically, when you are behind the wheel, you have to watch out. And you have to be courteous. Road rage is a very real and a very scary phenomenon. Getting behind that steering wheel must be a Jekyll/Hyde switch for some. That guy cursing you and trying to run you off the road because you pulled in front of him might be the same guy who would risk his life to pull you from a burning building. To quote that famous motorist, Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?"

We all spend so much time behind the wheel these days. I'd like to know that my fellow drivers are looking out for my family and me. I certainly am looking out for them and theirs. Is Dana paying attention and learning the rules of the road? I think she is, but don't ask me why.