Since I have never before included a disclaimer in our bi-weekly get-togethers, I am hereby breaking new ground. If any IRS agent or other government employee reads this, please be aware that this column may contain fiction and names have been changed to protect...me.

Ed Green, the financial planner friend that I introduced you to a couple of months ago, was explaining to me what he does when a client needs more time to file a tax return. In April, you can automatically get four more months - until August 15 - by simply sending in a form. But, what if you need even more time? Well, he told me that you file another form for two more months, but the second extension requires an explanation acceptable to the IRS. According to IRS instructions, you must "have a good reason why the first four months were not enough."

In explaining to me what is or is not acceptable, he used some examples that have worked for him. For a family that changed their residence during the year "We need more time because we misplaced our tax records during our move" has always done the job. After very wet seasons, he has employed "Our records were destroyed when our basement was flooded. We are currently in the process of reconstructing them." I don't know about you, but I'm going to put on my hip boots.

If someone is heavily into the stock market, Ed has found that "Additional time is required to determine the proper treatment of various capital transactions" is very effective. What exactly does all that mean? Basically, it says that we have no good reason on earth to not be ready.

Consider two of Ed's all time favorites: "Various complicated business transactions during the year need additional analysis" and "We have either misplaced or have never received some important tax documentation. Our bank is currently providing us with duplicates." Do you have a clear picture by now? Although the IRS says they require a legitimate, reasonable excuse, it is apparent that nobody actually reads those forms. I wonder what would happen if some obviously outrageous reasons started appearing. They might actually be forced to evaluate each one.

Younger taxpayers might, with imagination typical of a child, try "My dog ate my W-2 form," "I couldn't find my pencil" or "There was a really good show on TV that I couldn't miss." Unless their paperwork crosses the desk of an extremely young IRS employee, they are going to be sent to bed without their dinner.

Current TV viewers with imagination could hope to have their reason considered by someone who does not watch much of today's boob tube fare. Consider "I just got home from the islands. I was on Survivor..." On the other hand, they might hope for a late night fan to rule on "Ramona on the Psychic Hotline told me that this was not a good time to do my taxes." Quiz show fans might even have to use a lifeline.

Ed's client Skip Van Winkle may have tried "My Uncle Rip invited me to his place in the Catskills for a vacation and for some bowling. Then he suggested that we take a nap... The rest is history." And, Ishmael from New England might have done well with "Our captain was going to do my taxes, but he had a whaling mishap."

Do you think that the IRS is gullible? As an organization, I suppose it isn't, but the individuals within it might well be. It is questionable that any would give a pass to someone who tried "I am being new to your country and am not knowing your laws about taxes." Another that wouldn't fly is "I was watching a ball game at Shea Stadium and Mike Piazza knocked me out with a home run ball."

Ed is also quite sure that there is no one who would fall for excuses claiming alien abductions, throwing out the tax forms with the Publishers' Clearing House envelope or a claim that you are not good with numbers. Neither will they buy your assertion that your paperwork was shipped to you by way of the Russian submarine squad. The old "I came down with an upset stomach after trying out for the Olympic pie-eating team" is sure to be doomed for failure.

Famous people are certainly not immune to procrastination. If the Irish playwright, Samuel Beckett was required to file taxes in the United States, chances are his request for more time would be justified by "Give me a little more time. I'm almost ready. I'm waiting for Godot." Lewis F. Muir and L. Wolfe Gilbert might have explained their situation with "We were waitin' on the levee, waitin' for the Robert E. Lee." Some celebrities have procrastination built into their name. Consider singer/songwriter Tom Waits or, perhaps, the Dad on "the Waltons," Ralph Waite.

Honesty is always the best policy, even when dealing with the IRS, but it can't hurt to embellish the truth with interesting and supportive details. After all, you are appealing to a human being behind a desk who has one of the most boring jobs in the world. The compassionate thing to do might be to provide a few laughs. So, next year, try "I didn't think I had to file since I did it last year" or "I forgot."

In his tax practice, Ed Green has never had a request for additional time rejected by the IRS. He strives for reasonableness and sense when he files. But that is so unlike the way I know him to be. Don't ask me why he has done so little to brighten the humdrum lives of IRS paper-pushers. Maybe he will turn over a new leaf in the new millennium.