The Summer Olympics are beginning soon in Sydney, Australia. The media will be Down Under covering every game, race and jump. Yet nobody covered the recent "Anything Goes" Olympics in Stockholm, Sweden. I sent my friend, Ed Green, to cover these games. He submitted this report:

Arriving in Stockholm, I had no idea what to expect. At the orientation meeting I learned that the usual Olympics restrictions did not apply. There was no drug testing and the genders were always in question. Hence, "anything goes."

In the swimming events the countries with the most accomplished plastic surgeons had the best results. Records were set in every event, primarily due to the perfecting of "web implants," which are extra pieces of skin attached between the swimmers' fingers and toes.

U.S. swimmer Ken I. Fly swam the 50-meter freestyle in just under 13 seconds. When approached for comment, he referred me to his doctor. Before plodding off, he offered me his hand. Have you ever shaken hands with a duck?

His doctor informed me that webbing was this year's big innovation. "By the next Games," said Dr. Slyce, "we will be able to double the athletes' lung capacities through artificial 'balloon' implants."

The main factor affecting long-distance swimmers is fatigue. These events featured an intravenous feeding system that the swimmers carry during races. 5,000-meter winner, Russian swimmer Ivan Toovin, credited his victory to his Team Inventor who streamlined a borscht-flavored supplement.

The weight lifting events were unisex, steroid use having obliterated gender differences. I was struck by the sheer size of the athletes. The weights lifted often exceeded a ton. Steroids, apparently, increase muscle mass but lessen flexibility. German lifter, Mai Backhurtz, approached the weights, set her hands and proceeded to try to lift 1,950 pounds. As she straightened up, she never even noticed that her arms had snapped off at the shoulder. In a post-competition interview, she told us that she actually relished the upcoming reattachment surgery. "Dr. Hans F. Gold has been experimenting with hydraulic implants for the arms and legs. I look forward to the next competition."

Scientific achievements relating to human performance may have taken center stage but equipment advances were evident too. In the Anything Goes Olympics, tennis rackets have no size limit. So, using ultra-light and super-strong materials, the Canadian team took the gold medal in a shortened tournament. They had to end the competition early because of the depletion of the tennis ball supply. The constant pounding from the oversized rackets caused balls to explode with every serve. Games officials were caught off guard. A search throughout Sweden couldn't locate enough balls to get past the first round. Swedish Minister of Tennis, Sven "Thirty" Love, said, "I thought we had the balls to put on a first-class tournament, but they got busted."

The baseball competition featured the new titanium bats filled with heated neon gas and water. With batted balls being propelled at speeds exceeding Mach 1, in order to protect the lives of the pitchers, the mound was moved to center field. Gold medal-winning Cuban team manager Juan Tonnamerra had his pitchers prepare by practicing their 200-foot curveballs and his infielders went through extensive ducking drills.

Technological advances were apparent in the track and field competition. The sprinters were equipped with an electronically stimulating starting system. The sound of the gun would be translated into an electric charge to the runners' leg muscles, allowing them to start much earlier. Dash Whizzer, 100-meter gold medal winner from the US, whose winning time was just under eight seconds, said, "I was shocked at how well it worked."

Distance runners were equipped with the same feeding system as the swimmers. And "blood doping," the act of removing some of the runner's blood, supercharging it with oxygen and then re-injecting it, was permitted. Consequently, the winner, Koki Kola from Kenya, had an unbelievable time of 90 minutes. US coach, Anya Mark Getset, believes that the Africans' domination of the distance events is soon to be a thing of the past. "Our scientists and doctors are a bit more advanced than theirs. We'll soon have the edge," said the coach.

In the 3,000-meter steeplechase, the Finnish competitor looked like a horse. It was later determined that he was, in fact, a horse. Having been disqualified by the officials, he sat disconsolate in the locker room. Asked "Why the long face?" His only comment was "Winniiiieeeeee!"

After the disqualification of the horse from Finland, an examination of the rules was in order. I obtained the official regulations pertaining to athletes' eligibility. The following is the entire text: "All competitors must currently be human or must have been human at one time." This is why they said "Nay" to the horse.

When we watch the real Olympic Games later this summer, we won't see world records fall with this much regularity. We also won't see steroids or unfair technological advantages. We'll see well-trained athletes competing for their countries and following the Olympic motto, "swifter, higher, stronger."

You must be questioning why I would write about a bogus sporting competition. Did I do it to express my admiration for the real Olympic athletes? Was it to simply try for a few cheap laughs? Or, was it due to lack of a better idea? Decide for yourself, but don't ask me why.