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December 04, 2016
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Coping in the new economy

In this flailing economy, I have been searching for a semi-solid investment—something to see me through my semi-retirement years. I think I found it.

It has easily sourced raw materials, bio-degradable packaging and multiple applications. And so far, it’s legal.

I call it Bag O’ Poop. Catchy, eh? The idea came to me as I was walking my Schnauzer late one night in the city. In the new economy, old specters of street crime, once almost obliterated, have been reborn. You can hardly wear jewelry anymore without it being snatched, and forget chatting on your i-Phone, Kim. It’s as good as gone. You need Bag O’ Poop!

Now that law enforcement has cornered the market on pepper spray, regular civilians need protection (often from law enforcement.) Bag O’ Poop comes in a handy bag that can be attached to a purse handle or carried freely. Bag O’ Poop 1.0 comes in a bright blue, recognizable from a distance, providing a handy deterrent effect. Designers are working on future models, including a cheetah print for nights out on the town. It is fashionable for men and women, and even those who fall somewhere in between. When confronted by an attacker, Bag O’ Poop can be swung tauntingly or smushed in the attacker’s face, creating an olfactory offensive as well as a bloody mess.

It’s perfect for pedestrian use against hemi-zealots. A tossed Bag O’ Poop will hardly be noticed until the road-rager is home in his garage wondering where that smell is coming from. And Bag O’ Poop can be carried through metal detectors without fear. Just last week, I was subjected to a full-body scan at the airport because I had forgotten that my Swiss army knife was hidden in my carry-on. I was given the option of a pat-down—rather eagerly, I thought—by the Homeland Security agent, but I opted for the machine scan. Bag O’ Poop could have easily passed that test.

For now, my Schnauzer, mini in name only, is providing the raw material for my new product. But I foresee a time when rescue shelters will be converted into Bag O’ Poop factories: a whole new industry right here in the Catskills. Out-of-work actors will star in TV commercials portraying both Bag O’ Poop users and receivers.

Imagine the peace of mind Bag O’ Poop will provide the elderly (who will have the option of providing their own raw material.) Perhaps Obamacare will add poop bags to Medicare, thereby making Bag O’ Poop an entitlement. Funding could come from the ensuing reduction in prison costs as criminals resort to white-collar crimes that can’t be stopped with Bag O’ Poop. Or can they? I think I just came up with a new application. Just take Bag O’ Poop to your next appointment with your financial advisor. You may not even have to use it. Bag O’ Poop is a great deterrent. Just knowing it’s there has made me feel safe—even on Wall Street. And once Bag O’ Poop is a commodity, all streets will be clear of offending messes as resourceful street-people collect errant packages to re-sell.

I plan to start beta-testing Bag O’ Poop with the Occupy Movement. I’ll propose it to the General Assembly. “Mic check,” “Mic check,” “Bag O’ Poop!” “Bag O’ Poop!” I can promote it as a solution to their own sanitation problems and as a legal (for now) self-defense method against over-zealous law enforcement. Why, there might be poop flying all over Wall Street before I’m done.

Join the Bag O’ Poop revolution! Carry one with you wherever you go. “Reduce, re-use, recycle” is Bag O’ Poop’s motto. You only need to use it once to know it works!