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Coping in the new economy


December 1, 2011

In this flailing economy, I have been searching for a semi-solid investment—something to see me through my semi-retirement years. I think I found it.

It has easily sourced raw materials, bio-degradable packaging and multiple applications. And so far, it’s legal.

I call it Bag O’ Poop. Catchy, eh? The idea came to me as I was walking my Schnauzer late one night in the city. In the new economy, old specters of street crime, once almost obliterated, have been reborn. You can hardly wear jewelry anymore without it being snatched, and forget chatting on your i-Phone, Kim. It’s as good as gone. You need Bag O’ Poop!

Now that law enforcement has cornered the market on pepper spray, regular civilians need protection (often from law enforcement.) Bag O’ Poop comes in a handy bag that can be attached to a purse handle or carried freely. Bag O’ Poop 1.0 comes in a bright blue, recognizable from a distance, providing a handy deterrent effect. Designers are working on future models, including a cheetah print for nights out on the town. It is fashionable for men and women, and even those who fall somewhere in between. When confronted by an attacker, Bag O’ Poop can be swung tauntingly or smushed in the attacker’s face, creating an olfactory offensive as well as a bloody mess.

It’s perfect for pedestrian use against hemi-zealots. A tossed Bag O’ Poop will hardly be noticed until the road-rager is home in his garage wondering where that smell is coming from. And Bag O’ Poop can be carried through metal detectors without fear. Just last week, I was subjected to a full-body scan at the airport because I had forgotten that my Swiss army knife was hidden in my carry-on. I was given the option of a pat-down—rather eagerly, I thought—by the Homeland Security agent, but I opted for the machine scan. Bag O’ Poop could have easily passed that test.

For now, my Schnauzer, mini in name only, is providing the raw material for my new product. But I foresee a time when rescue shelters will be converted into Bag O’ Poop factories: a whole new industry right here in the Catskills. Out-of-work actors will star in TV commercials portraying both Bag O’ Poop users and receivers.